Holilaze.

Father forgive me, for I have been extraordinarily lazy.

I had a wonderful Christmas/New Year's vacation from life (and blogging). I totally quit eating like I was supposed to, haven't been to the gym in (4) weeks and haven't done much to my home in the way of cleaning and organizing, etc. I have been self-indulgent and self-excusatory. (Is that a word?) I ate steak and bread and cheese and even had a wine and cheese party at our house complete with a chocolate fountain. That's right. A milk chocolate fountain. And that made an appearance twice over the break. Somehow, my husband even managed to make ramen hearty. Indeed, Corey and I were examples of gluttony at it's finest.  

After all, isn't that what most Americans do during that wonderful, gluttonous season? I think yes. And if you think no, you're lying to yourself.

I have also been terribly self-centered over the last 17 days trying desperately to decide what this new year would hold for me and what my resolutions would be. Back to school? Try and have a baby? Get completely out of debt? Climb a mountain? Learn to knit? Get in crazy good shape and be in one of those fitness competitions where I start to resemble my husband? What can I do in 2012 that will make this a remarkable year? Isn't surviving with day-to-day stress enough?

My husband's father is on the board of a community theatre in town. He asked me to take a part of a show he will be directing in February and we had our first rehearsal last night. I play a character named Bunny. Now, the image I have of a 'Bunny' in my mind is a thin blonde with big boobs. (I mean really, any name like Bunny, Candy, Cinnamon.... what exactly is one supposed to think?) There's a line in the show where someone refers to her as 'a hot something or other', I can't remember exactly. All I know is that I am NOT 'a hot something or other' and I have approximately 40 days to lose some weight and find chicken cutlets for my bra. Seriously. Can't embarrass my new family.

I know that I was pretty gung-ho about my weight-loss-body-makeover extravaganza a month ago, but apparently it doesn't take much more than a whiff of some crustini and cheese for me to fall off the wagon. Sad, right? My will power at times is just so non-existant. And if everyone at work is ordering cheeseburgers and fries with a side of heart disease and diabetes, I need to too. Because frankly, it would be rude not to. 

I have never in my life been a thin girl and I am not trying to be thin now. I am trying to lose weight for this show, I feel like it's good to have a goal, something to shoot for and it keeps me focused and motivated. 

So, it's time for some real ugly accountability. I had a lapse in blogging where I lost around 7 pounds, purely from counting calories and continuing to work out. I worked one night and stopped working out after that. It gave me an out that I used over and over. 'I got out of my routine, blah blah blah'. Truth is, I did have an out. When you need the money and get the chance to work extra, you do. And when you are used to working days and work one night, it screws you up really good. So, for a few days, it was an acceptable reason to not hit the gym. Your body must rest. However, I don't think my body needed 30 days of rest to recuperate. Fail. 

As far as my crappy eating goes, once the gym was out of sight, out of mind, it didn't matter what I ate. The funny thing about working out is that it suddenly makes you reconsider everything you eat. All of a sudden, that 45 minutes on the elliptical seems a lot more important than the (second) donut. And when you start to see small changes, it makes you reconsider the donut at all. 

My new year's resolution is absolutely to be better. You do better when you know better.  And I do. And I can't make any more excuses. I'm getting older. And as every year passes, 5 more pounds is going to add up. In ten years, when I'm 35, how is my body going to react to 50 more pounds? Poorly. And as I get older, it will be harder and harder to take it off. And losing weight benefits everyone around you with renewed energy, a better attitude, etc. So, it's not completely selfish.

So raise your protein shakes. Here's to a new year and a second chance.

until tomorrow, here's to being motivated, not mo' lazy.